Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
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My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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