Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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