I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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