I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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