I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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