Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
