I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
