The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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