Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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