Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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