Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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