Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
