New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
