I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize