even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
