my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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