so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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