After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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