He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize