sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
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They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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