Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
