Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
