So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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