Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
