I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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