He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
