I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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