i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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