1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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