i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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