Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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