The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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