Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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