Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
