how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
