The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
