What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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