I'm so fucking centered right now
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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