I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
