Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
