I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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