I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
