so explain again why im purple
no
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
