John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
