So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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