Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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