Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
