you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
