remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry about my life...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
