she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize