I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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