My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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