I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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