Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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