The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
