I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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