The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
