i already hear my dad disowning me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
