My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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