When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
