How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
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Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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