You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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