hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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