i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
