Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.