I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.