My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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